Saturday, April 10, 2010

The Fear (Sense of the City column)

I picked up my graduation cap and gown last week. I guess soon it will be official, that is if I can get through this last month. I have trouble finishing things up. Obviously, or it wouldn't have taken six years for me to finish college.

What is it about the end that's so worrisome? It's a deep and abiding fear, an uncontrollable nervousness. Am I afraid that I'm not good enough to finish or am I scared of what's next? Either way it's an irrational fear that I just need to get over.

I think most people suffer from the fear. It's what keeps us still in life. It makes our movements through the world a little more conservative and thought out. The fear can be a good thing. It keeps us from loosing everything in a doomed attempt to remake ourselves. But, like any fear, too much can become crippling. I've had that feeling too. It's a huge sensation of pressure on your chest and all you want to do is crawl inside yourself. It's a deep, dark pit that you can't crawl out of, but you do and you're better for it. And that's the difficulty, coming out the other side blinking in the bright sun.

Sometimes the fear is your friend, it can keep you from pushing beyond your means. But most of the time the fear keeps you from pushing yourself farther. That's when you need to ignore it. I need to gather the courage to beat back that pressure and push to the end of my last month in school and into my next stage of life.

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